It is almost two decades since I’ve been involved in emotional intelligence, studying it and using it to develop my own engagements and relationship with other. As a coach and organisational trainer it is perhaps one of the most valuable set of competencies I have leaned about. The very simple ability to recognise and understand my own emotions has been instrumental in every aspect of my work and personal life.
One observation that has been niggling at me over the years working with organisations developing people, is related to how some “leaders” seem to confuse Emotional Intelligence (EQ) with emotional Manipulation (EM). This misinterpretation is more common than we give it credit to and I believe is the single most dangerous cause of loss of performance in any organisation. It is even more dangerous a treat to workplace mental health. And let’s not forget that usually a leader is the primary representative of an entire organisation, therefore their emotional response is often associated with the identity of the organisation itself.
Let’s start by understanding what is emotional intelligence. Mayer and Salovey define it as: “The process involved in the recognition, use, understanding and management of one’s own and others emotional states to solve emotion-laden problems and regulate behaviour. – (Mayer, Salovey 1997) –
In practice being emotionally intelligent means to have an understanding of our own emotions and of the emotions of others. We can then use this understanding to manage stressful situations more effectively, having difficult conversations with others in a meaningful way and even more importantly perhaps is to build mutually effective relationships.
Emotional intelligence can become instrumental in resolving conflicts, develop a collaborative culture and ultimately create a sense of psychological safety at home and at work. One thing that perhaps is often overlooked is that for a relationship to be mutually fulfilling there has to be a genuine intention for both parties to find a common ground and a mutually beneficial outcome.
On the other hand emotional manipulation utilises a number of dishonest strategies to gain power over someone else, use them, control them and even victimise them.
Emotional Manipulation tactics include:
Manipulating circumstances to manufacture constraints, deadlines and other tricks to apply pressure on someone’s decisions
Binding someone through manufactured vulnerabilities or showering them with unearned and overwhelming praise and appreciation to gain favours.
Undermining a person through sloppy collaborative work without voicing existing negative feeling.
Social & emotional bullying, including using bureaucracy to overwhelm and subvert some’s goals, and expectations.
Distorting facts through lying, pretending ignorance or instilling doubt.
Taking advantage of individuals susceptibility to guilt, sense of duty and responsibility, in order to gain sympathy and/or a sense of obligation.
Withdrawing by ignoring someone or giving them the silent treatment.
Comparing a person to others in order to diminish them and their work.
Do you recognise any of these behaviours and tactics? Do you use any of them? Are you at the receiving end of any of them?
I can answer yes to all 3 questions and as I do so the awareness of my own behaviour make me want to do better.
What about you?
As you can probably understand by now, emotional manipulation is very far from the idea and intentions of emotional intelligence. Yet if we use a consequentialist model of ethical evaluation, the end justify the means they might actually overlap. The once upon a time adage that “everything is allowed in love and war”, translates into today “business is business”. In practical terms understanding other people emotions and being able to manage our own can easily slip into emotional manipulation if our intentions are self-centred rather than being collaborative.
“Understanding and managing emotions” is a coin with two sides, we can use it to do good deeds that benefit everyone and foster collaboration or we can use it gain an unfair advantage over others and squeeze all the benefits we can for ourselves at their expense and foster mistrust and disengagement. Our intent and motivation, when is divorced from empathy, can turn us into emotional manipulators very quickly.
The great thing about emotional intelligence is that we can connect with others in a honest and authentic manner and through that connection we can collaborate effectively and honestly to fulfil each other’s needs and endeavours. In essence the practice of good emotional intelligence is infectious, just like many other behaviours. When a leader practice good emotional intelligence, followers feel included, psychologically safe and free to contribute the best they have to offer.
Emotional manipulation is also infectious, it spreads like wildfire. When a leader practices emotional manipulation, followers feel slighted, undervalued, afraid and loose confidence in themselves. Ultimately they will turn the same manipulative tactics against others, including the leader they learned it from, just to survive. In practical terms, emotional manipulation generates absenteeism, low performance, disengagement, and carelessness.
In some paradoxical way emotional manipulation is not just bad for mental health, but is really not that good for business either.
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It is almost two decades since I’ve been involved in emotional intelligence, studying it and using it to develop my own engagements and relationship with other. As a coach and organisational trainer it is perhaps one of the most valuable set of competencies I have leaned about. The very simple ability to recognise and understand my own emotions has been instrumental in every aspect of my work and personal life.
One observation that has been niggling at me over the years working with organisations developing people, is related to how some “leaders” seem to confuse Emotional Intelligence (EQ) with emotional Manipulation (EM). This misinterpretation is more common than we give it credit to and I believe is the single most dangerous cause of loss of performance in any organisation. It is even more dangerous a treat to workplace mental health. And let’s not forget that usually a leader is the primary representative of an entire organisation, therefore their emotional response is often associated with the identity of the organisation itself.
Let’s start by understanding what is emotional intelligence. Mayer and Salovey define it as: “The process involved in the recognition, use, understanding and management of one’s own and others emotional states to solve emotion-laden problems and regulate behaviour. – (Mayer, Salovey 1997) –
In practice being emotionally intelligent means to have an understanding of our own emotions and of the emotions of others. We can then use this understanding to manage stressful situations more effectively, having difficult conversations with others in a meaningful way and even more importantly perhaps is to build mutually effective relationships.
Emotional intelligence can become instrumental in resolving conflicts, develop a collaborative culture and ultimately create a sense of psychological safety at home and at work. One thing that perhaps is often overlooked is that for a relationship to be mutually fulfilling there has to be a genuine intention for both parties to find a common ground and a mutually beneficial outcome.
On the other hand emotional manipulation utilises a number of dishonest strategies to gain power over someone else, use them, control them and even victimise them.
Emotional Manipulation tactics include:
Manipulating circumstances to manufacture constraints, deadlines and other tricks to apply pressure on someone’s decisions
Binding someone through manufactured vulnerabilities or showering them with unearned and overwhelming praise and appreciation to gain favours.
Undermining a person through sloppy collaborative work without voicing existing negative feeling.
Social & emotional bullying, including using bureaucracy to overwhelm and subvert some’s goals, and expectations.
Distorting facts through lying, pretending ignorance or instilling doubt.
Taking advantage of individuals susceptibility to guilt, sense of duty and responsibility, in order to gain sympathy and/or a sense of obligation.
Withdrawing by ignoring someone or giving them the silent treatment.
Comparing a person to others in order to diminish them and their work.
Do you recognise any of these behaviours and tactics? Do you use any of them? Are you at the receiving end of any of them?
I can answer yes to all 3 questions and as I do so the awareness of my own behaviour make me want to do better.
What about you?
As you can probably understand by now, emotional manipulation is very far from the idea and intentions of emotional intelligence. Yet if we use a consequentialist model of ethical evaluation, the end justify the means they might actually overlap. The once upon a time adage that “everything is allowed in love and war”, translates into today “business is business”. In practical terms understanding other people emotions and being able to manage our own can easily slip into emotional manipulation if our intentions are self-centred rather than being collaborative.
“Understanding and managing emotions” is a coin with two sides, we can use it to do good deeds that benefit everyone and foster collaboration or we can use it gain an unfair advantage over others and squeeze all the benefits we can for ourselves at their expense and foster mistrust and disengagement. Our intent and motivation, when is divorced from empathy, can turn us into emotional manipulators very quickly.
The great thing about emotional intelligence is that we can connect with others in a honest and authentic manner and through that connection we can collaborate effectively and honestly to fulfil each other’s needs and endeavours. In essence the practice of good emotional intelligence is infectious, just like many other behaviours. When a leader practice good emotional intelligence, followers feel included, psychologically safe and free to contribute the best they have to offer.
Emotional manipulation is also infectious, it spreads like wildfire. When a leader practices emotional manipulation, followers feel slighted, undervalued, afraid and loose confidence in themselves. Ultimately they will turn the same manipulative tactics against others, including the leader they learned it from, just to survive. In practical terms, emotional manipulation generates absenteeism, low performance, disengagement, and carelessness.
In some paradoxical way emotional manipulation is not just bad for mental health, but is really not that good for business either.